Hear Me Out: What’s it like being in an interracial relationship?

superspiderclub Nov 23, 2017 Relationships No Comments

Hear Me Out: What’s it like being in an interracial relationship?

Lacey and Farooq have very different ideas about how easy their lives will be together as an interracial couple. Is it naive to think race doesn’t matter?

Lacey loves Farooq, and he loves her. For Lacey, that’s all that matters — and race really shouldn’t come into it.

“I didn’t realise we were in an interracial relationship. What’s even the point of race?”

The couple have been together almost two years and live together in regional Australia.

Lacey acknowledges that as a white person it may be easier for her to say race isn’t something she thinks about.

For Farooq, who’s from Pakistan, other people’s actions mean he can’t help but think about it.

Farooq: “Do you remember that incident we had when we went to that really fancy restaurant … I went up to go to the toilet and when I returned there was an old lady who wanted me to take her empty wine bottle because she assumed I was a waiter.”

Lacey: “Oh, that’s so awkward. It’s like, is it really that unusual to see an interracial couple where the easiest thing for her brain to first go to is that man must be a waiter?”

Farooq: “I was in a suit as well, if I remember right?”

Lacey: “You looked good. You weren’t in waiter clothes.”

Is it naive to think race doesn’t matter?

Lacey says people sometimes assume, based on stereotypes, that she and Farooq might face relationship challenges around gender roles.

But she says Farooq treats her as an equal, does housework and makes an effort to come to all of her social functions.

She has always thought their relationship will be smooth sailing, and never questions whether the colour of their skin or their cultural differences will come between them. But Farooq is a little more pessimistic.

Lacey: “Obviously it’s a thing because everyone says it’s a thing.”

Farooq: “And it’s an important thing.”

Farooq: “That’s how the world works.”

What are the challenges? Family, for starters

Farooq says the weight of family expectation and cultural traditions will have an impact on their relationship, whether they like it or not.

“I think there will be some challenges for our worlds to come together. First and foremost is my parents.”

This is an awkward topic, particularly because this story itself risks having an impact on Lacey and Farooq’s relationship.

That’s because some of Farooq’s family in Pakistan, most notably his father, don’t know they’re together. And he’s not sure how his dad will take it.

Farooq: “I guess the problem is my family.”

Lacey: “Is it a problem though?”

Farooq: “Yeah, it is a huge problem. Because in our society we get married after the approvals of our families, both families, parents. My mum knows, but most importantly my dad has no idea about our relationship.”

Lacey’s family loves Farooq. But she says it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if they didn’t.

“Your family are very close,” she says to Farooq, “a closeness that a lot of Western families don’t have. Like if something occurs in one relationship, it’ll have a domino effect.”

Farooq credits the sacrifice of his parents for the opportunities life has given him, for example, his extensive overseas travel.

“It would be wrong of me to ignore them completely and take them out of this whole equation.”

“You’re right,” Lacey says, “I am not just in a relationship with you, I’m in a relationship with your whole family … whereas in Western culture it is a bit more individualistic.”

Of course, the pair have plenty in common too

Lacey says Farooq’s culture is different from hers but she doesn’t feel like he imposes it on her in any way. Farooq, who’s Muslim, says that’s been very deliberate on his part.

“It has always been very hard for me to share culture and cultural values with you in a way, because I would not want you to think that I am imposing something on you — because I am absolutely okay with the way you live and the way your culture is.”

Lacey: “I don’t think I’ve sacrificed anything to be with you because I’ve just gained so much value to my life.”

Farooq: “That’s the funny thing about love. Like, I would have never expected that I would end up with a white girl because I was brought up in a way that we were supposed to be with a girl of our own society, culture or race. I guess you never plan for this and I guess once you start a relationship, you realise you have to make a few adjustments to your life.”

Lacey: “We’re both a bit strange, maybe, from both of our cultures, so at least we’ve found each other.”

If you found this story surprising, insightful or useful, then subscribe to hear about interactives, visualisations and good reads from the ABC News Digital Storytelling team. (Max. 1 email a week, we promise.)